I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize