"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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