the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
