Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
