I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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