In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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