I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
