He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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