You don't have asthma, your pregnant
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
