I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
