so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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