And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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