wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
