A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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