I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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