Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
