Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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