I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
