I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
