Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
