youre lurking in front of me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
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So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack