I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?