i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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