I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.