I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude