do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??