Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
