Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
