Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
