I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i would punch a child for taco bell
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
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Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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