Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
