My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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