arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
