i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
