he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my liver is dry heaving
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