margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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