why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
