Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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