Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
