I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
