i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
