Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
