Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
