If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
