I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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