Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
