this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
