Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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