My brain says no but my pants say off.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
