sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
