I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
