nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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