when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
