when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
