You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
