I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
