I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
