I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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