If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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