I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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