I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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